duminică, 19 iulie 2015

P.S. to Volunteer in Ruse (10)

I forget only by nature or only if it is not important. I don't erase my past, even if the present is more important and more real. It's not about being nostalgic, it's just about being happy with my future. One day I will enjoy this more than now.

I really think I was the luckiest one in Ruse. Why? Since the beginning until the end I felt happy and nothing put any shadow on my face, I was present in all my actions and thoughts and I felt I received all it accomplishes me. I've been conscious about all the changes happened to me, my interior was so clear, all my feelings, my thoughts, my desires. I took all that was good from this experience and lived as much intense as I could, but didn't close my eyes for the real things happening around. I embraced one by one hours of learning and discovering, free spirit, good energy, sleepless hours, keeping my soul and my mind clean, foolish games, love, appreciation, bad and good dreams, (un)fulfilled changes, traveling, empathy, friendship, signs, peaceful anger and, most of all, being surrounded by PEOPLE. But I could also see what went wrong: we there, spending some European money and doing almost nothing to deserve them, all the organizing mistakes and the nebulosity in which we were sometimes because the next step wasn't clear, all the money that weren't properly used for the project, but beautiful gilded for the believers.

I had a (in fact, there's no word for it, but I will call it like this) “mentor” in which I failed to become alike, but a lot of me changed. I'm talking about a beautiful and strong man who made us laugh like crazy and was the link between what we were and what we wanted to be. I rediscovered and accepted myself only by speaking and listening. I learned to free myself, have a wider vision, accept the others and myself without judging. I was happy in Ruse because of the two fireflies I saw and understood that this isn't happening to everyone. I heard the seagulls at the window every morning, I felt special, I danced and laughed sincerely, I opened my heart and mind to words, music, translations, new languages, feelings, stories, caress, debates, jokes, hugs, walks, being childish, do good. I was accomplished by getting lost in what mattered to me.

I climbed my own Sugar Mountain in Ruse at the age of almost 29 and felt as mature as I could be at that moment, but leaving the child inside to play on the ground. I had Violeta Parra musician from whom I took my part of courage and strength. I had the streets of Ruse on which I could listen the guitar man, walk in peace, see the normality, damn the communist traces, many children voices to listen and a lot of golden sunset light to watch. I had the storms I sat under or enjoyed from the balcony and amazing dark clouds to turn my head on. I could see the problems on people's faces, but didn't feel them like burdens, the colored fountains and the awful looking toilet from the German high school (you know, I was wondering a lot of times if Merkel, during her visit to this place, used that toilet and why the sponsored money didn't reach that indispensable hole). I had Danube river there and I didn't watch it as a link to Romania as much as I saw it as a link to Europe, coming from far away countries with stories in its waters. I had a friend called Silvia I thought I won't like at all at the beginning. I had Lucian for sharing similar childhood and values. I had the lively Spanish guys always coming with funny initiatives, always partying and dancing. I had the girls room with Despina opening the door and the boys room with Vincent opening the door. I had my own room, but moved at some point. I had the moments of being charmed by the house in front of our building, the evenings with Kamenitza and long discussions. I had Vincent and the amazing moments we shared for our soul and mind purity.

I could see the cultural differences coming from education, habits, geographical position and history influences but also the basics that make us similar. I could see myself adapting immediately to Ruse and spending my money cleverly. I could see some of the others not handling with 360 leva because they were used with more money to spend in their countries. I didn't wash the fruits I took from trees because I did this before in my childhood and didn't die so far. And also because Ruse and surroundings seem enough clean to me. I could understand that Romanians, comparing to the others, are sad and very strict sometimes. I could see the differences between ages, but didn't feel apart of the group. I enjoyed learning Bulgarian and I still have an affinity for it.

Patriotism... I found here that all of us seem to be patriots, but is this a reality? We are all proud and we reveal all the good things about our countries, but what have we done for this? All the past generations fought for them, not us. And what about bad things that represents our people? I could see females and males behaving like still not equal in rights. I didn't like the visit to the vice mayor as it was very stiff, neither the presence of a very influential man very close to the project. I appreciated Krystian a lot for his ambitiousness and for the time he spent with us like a friend.

Oh my! If I would put together all the kind messages I received from the people I met in Ruse since coming back I would do a long letter to remember. And if I would intersect them, I would have some important common points to reveal: each one thinks of a longer EVS in the future, each one misses June, people and Ruse and passed a sad patch when returning to their daily life, each one got changed by this time loop.

Back home, I understand all differently. The roof of my home is new (really is and I thank my parents they are so wonderful), but the foundation is still the same. I changed, but my past, my friends, my “sun”, my garden, my family didn't change. They are better and stronger with me doing alike. There is nothing in the world like a hug, I am color, I believe in LOVE, things don't matter, I am connecting with nature, good energy comes from pure souls, to be kind and good is to be rich. These are the values I returned with or I have strengthened. So... thank you!

And, like I said on a message I left the last day for "Friends in Ruse": “Play like this all the time, beautiful people! Don't loose the children inside and love as much as you can! We were a total in Ruse, now we have to do the same in our lives. So dance, play, love again and then dance again! A warm hug!”

(RO) Uit doar daca natura ma face sa uit sau daca nu e important. Nu-mi sterg trecutul, chiar daca prezentul este mai important si pare mult mai real. Nu e vorba despre a fi nostalgica cat despre a fi fericita cu viitorul meu. Intr-o zi, ma voi bucura de asta mai mult decat acum.

Chiar cred ca am fost cea mai norocoasa in Ruse. De ce? Pentru ca, de la inceput pana la final, m-am simtit fericita si nimic nu mi-a umbrit privirea, pentru ca am fost prezenta in toate actiunile mele si am simtit ca am primit tot ceea ce ma implinea. Am fost constienta de toate schimbarile care mi s-au intamplat, interiorul meu a fost atat de clar, toate sentimentele, gandurile, dorintele. Am luat tot ce-a fost bun din aceasta experienta si am trait cat de intens am putut, dar nu am inchis ochii in fata lucrurilor reale din jurul meu. Am imbratisat rand pe rand ore de invatare si descoperire, un spirit liber, energie buna, ore fara somn, pastrarea sufletului si a mintii curate, jocuri prostesti, iubire, apreciere, vise urate sau frumoase, schimbari (ne)indeplinite, calatorie, empatie, prietenie, semne, furie pasnica si, mai mult decat orice, faptul ca am fost inconjurata de OAMENI. Dar am putut vedea, de asemenea, si ceea ce nu a mers bine: noi acolo, cheltuind niste bani europeni si nefacand aproape nimic pentru a-i merita, toate greselile organizatorice si nebulozitatea in care am plutit cateodata pentru ca pasul urmator nu era clar, toti banii alocati proiectului care nu au fost corect folositi, totul fiind frumos poleit pentru cei increzatori.

Am avut acolo un mentor (de fapt nu exista niciun cuvant pentru asta, dar l-am folosit  pe acesta) si am esuat in a fi ca el, dar m-am schimbat mult. Vorbesc despre un om frumos si puternic care ne-a facut pe toti sa radem ca nebunii si care a fost legatura dintre ceea ce eram si ceea ce ne doream sa fim. M-am redescoperit si m-am acceptat doar vorbind si ascultand. Am invatat sa ma eliberez, sa am o viziune mai deschisa, sa ii accept pe ceilalti si pe mine fara sa judec. Am fost fericita in Ruse pentru ca am vazut doi licurici si am inteles ca asta nu se intampla oricui. Am auzit pescarusii la fereastra in fiecare dimineata, m-am simtit speciala, am dansat si am ras sincer, mi-am deschis inima si mintea catre cuvinte, muzica, traduceri, limbi necunoscute, sentimente, povesti, mangaiere, dezbateri, glume, imbratisari, plimbari, a fi copilaroasa si a face bine. Am fost multumita pierzandu-ma in ceea ce a contat pentru mine.

Am urcat propriul "Munte de Zahar" in Ruse la varsta de (aproape) 29 de ani si m-am simtit atat de matura cat puteam fi in acel moment, dar am lasat copilul din mine sa se joace cu pamant. Am avut-o pe Violeta Parra de la care mi-am luat curajul si puterea. Am avut strazile din Ruse unde l-am putut asculta pe omul cu chitara, pe care m-am putut plimba linistita, unde am vazut normalitatea, pe care le-am renegat pentru urmele comuniste, unde am avut multe voci de copii sa ascult si destule apusuri aurii sa privesc. Am avut furtunile sub care am stat sau pe care le-am privit din balcon si nori intunecati uimitori spre care sa-mi intorc capul. Am putut vedea problemele pe fetele oamenilor, dar nu le-am simtit ca pe niste poveri, fantanile frumos colorate si toaleta aceea groaznica din liceul german (m-am intrebat de multe ori daca Merkel, in timpul vizitei in acest loc, a folosit acea toaleta si de ce fondurile alocate nu au ajuns si in aceasta gaura indispensabila). Am avut Dunarea si nu am simtit-o ca pe o legatura cu Romania intr-atat incat am simtit-o ca pe o legatura cu Europa, venind din tari indepartate cu povesti in apele sale. Am avut o prietena numita Silvia cu care nu am crezut ca am sa ma inteleg la inceput. L-am avut pe Lucian cu care am impartasit amintiri din copilarie si valori asemanatoare. I-am avut pe spaniolii plini de viata care veneau intotdeauna cu initiative amuzante, care dansau si cantau tot timpul. Am avut camera fetelor cu Despina deschizandu-mi usa si pe cea a baietilor cu Vincent facand acelasi lucru. Am avut propria-mi camera, din care m-am mutat la un moment dat. Am avut momentele in care am fost fermecata de casa din fata cladirii in care ne aflam, serile cu Kamenitza si discutii lungi. L-am avut pe Vincent si momentele frumoase pe care le-am impartasit pentru puritatea sufletului si a mintii.

Am putut vedea diferentele culturale venind din educatie, obiceiuri, influente ale pozitiei geografice sau istoriei, dar am putut vedea si ca lucrurile de baza ne fac asemanatori. Am vazut ca m-am adaptat repede in Ruse si ca mi-am cheltuit banii cumpatat. Am vazut cum unii voluntari nu s-au descurcat doar cu 360 leva pentru ca erau obisnuiti cu mai multi bani in tarile lor. Nu am spalat fructele pe care le-am luat din pomi pentru ca am mai facut asta in copilarie si nu am murit pana acum. In plus, Ruse si imprejurimile sunt destul de curate in opinia mea. Am putut intelege ca romanii, comparandu-i cu ceilalti, sunt destul de tristi si stricti uneori. Am putut vedea diferenta de varsta, dar nu m-am simtit in afara grupului. Mi-a placut sa invat bulgara si inca am o afinitate pentru ea.

Patriotismul... am realizat aici ca toti parem patrioti, dar este asta o realitate? Suntem cu totii mandri si scoatem la iveala lucrurile bune despre tarile noastre, dar ce am facut noi pentru asta? Generatiile anterioare s-au luptat pentru asta, nu noi. Si cum ramane cu lucrurile rele care reprezinta popoarele noastre? Am putut vedea femei si barbati comportandu-se ca si cand nu ar fi egali in drepturi. Nu mi-a placut vizita la vice primar deoarece a fost prea scrobita, nici prezenta unui domn foarte influent care a fost apropiat proiectului. L-am apreciat pe Krystian (unul dintre organizatori) pentru ambitia sa si pentru timpul pe care l-a petrecut cu noi ca un prieten.

Ohh, si daca as pune impreuna toate mesajele calde pe care le-am primit de cand m-am intors, de la oamenii pe care i-am cunoscut in Ruse, as compune o scrisoare lunga demna de a ramane in amintire. Si daca le-as intersecta, as avea cateva puncte comune importante de dezvaluit: fiecare se gandeste la un program EVS pe termen lung in viitor, tuturor le e dor de iunie, de oamenii intalniti, de Ruse, cu totii au trecut printr-o perioada trista cand s-au intors, toti s-au schimbat in timpul acestei bucle de timp.

Intorcandu-ma acasa, am inteles totul diferit. Acoperisul casei mele e nou (chiar e si le multumesc parintilor mei pentru cat de minunati sunt), dar fundatia e inca aceeasi. M-am schimbat, dar trecutul, prietenii, "soarele" meu, gradina mea, familia sunt la fel. Mai puternici si mai buni, cu mine alaturi facand la fel. Nu e nimic in lume ca o imbratisare, sunt culoare, cred in IUBIRE, lucrurile nu conteaza, sunt legata de natura, energia buna vine din partea sufletelor curate, sa fii bland si bun inseamna sa fii bogat. Acestea sunt valorile cu care m-am intors sau pe care mi le-am intarit. Asa ca... multumesc!

Si, cum am spus intr-un mesaj pe care l-am lasat "prietenilor din Ruse" in ultima zi: "Jucati-va asa tot timpul, oameni frumosi! Nu pierdeti copiii interiori si iubiti cat de mult puteti! Am fost un tot in Ruse, acum trebuie sa facem la fel in propriile noastre vieti. Asa ca dansati, jucati-va, iubiti din nou si apoi dansati din nou! O calda imbratisare!"

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